Do you hear what I hear?
How many times do we assume that both parties have taken the same meaning from a conversation? That the other person has heard and interpreted what we said and that we have listened attentively to them and that we both have the same understanding of the conversation and feel heard. Often that is not the case for many reasons.
Were we really giving them our full undivided attention?
Were there other matters on our mind that we were thinking about at the same time?
Did we really want to be having this conversation?
Were we more focused on getting our point across than listening to their point of view?
Were we paying attention to their intonation and the sort of language they were using?
Did we consider what was not being said?
Truly listening to somebody so that they feel heard and that both of you are confident that you have understood the meaning of the words they have used is not easy. To do this we need to be fully present to the person using all of our senses to interpret those words.
However listening is a skill that can be improved through practice – by understanding the three Ms of listening: micro-listening, macro-listening and me-listening.
Micro-listening is when we are fully immersed in the conversation and our attention is focused entirely on the other person listening intently to what is being said. This can only be achieved if the conversation is taking place in an environment where there aren’t any distractions and where both parties can be heard. That might seem obvious, but so often the conditions are not conducive to being able to have open conversations in a safe space.
Macro-Listening involves taking in all the other sensory information that is happening as part of the conversation. This typically happens automatically but the skill here is to actively notice these different non-verbal cues and to make sense of them. This includes noticing what the other person might not be saying, when they are holding back, observing their emotions and mood, their tone and facial expressions as well as their body language and how all these facets change during the conversation. In this mode we are listening to understand what the other person really means. There may be an important underlying issue that they are not immediately verbalising.
There is a final third important skill, which is to limit the amount of me-listening that goes on in our own heads. When we are me-listening we are more focused on our own thoughts and feelings rather than the other person’s.
We may be making assumptions, jumping to conclusions as well as making judgements about what they are telling us. We often want to share our own experience of similar situations or to give advice. This isn’t always what the other person is looking for, particularly if they are keen to get something off their chest or the conversation relates to a conflict or disagreement.
In these situations, demonstrating that you are actively listening through visual cues and encouraging them to fully tell their story, without interruption, will help ensure that they feel that they have been listened to. When they have finished, check whether they have anything else to add. It is often at this stage that they might reveal what they really wanted to say. From this point you will be able to respond having fully understood the meaning of their words. They will then be much more receptive to hearing what you have to say.
So why not, at this time of year, give the gift of really listening to someone so they can feel truly heard? You will be surprised by what a difference it makes to them and you.
With thanks to Graydin Training for the use of the three Ms of listening